Saturday, October 15, 2011

What if today was it?

I often think about life in terms of "What if today was the only day I had left to make a difference?" What would I do. Well, now that I have my two boys, I would spend the entire day loving them, playing with them, making forts and mashed potato mountains with gravy volcanoes. I would spend every waking moment with them. It's not that hard a decision to make. We never know how much time we have, and it all can be gone in one instant. One blink, one distraction.

Thursday night as I was cleaning up the kitchen before bed (it was after 12:30am, once I finally got the LO to sleep - he's been sick) and I heard this deafening BOOM/POP/CRASH sound outside. A car traveling within the speed limit on our street (40mph) hit a parked car because the driver looked away for "just a moment" and over shot the curve she was coming around. It was a head on collision, a mid-size sedan with a full sized SUV. They were damn lucky to walk away with the minimal bruises and abrasions they had. DAMN LUCKY. The driver was 19 years old and her passenger was 20. Two young girls heading home from a friends house. My mom and I offered comfort, a blanket and stayed with them till their parents arrived. The paramedics had come and gone by then, the police lingered long enough to finalize their report. There was a witness, a young man driving behind them who said they were not speeding, nor driving erratically. They were also sober.

I just kept comforting the girls, telling them to breathe, that things like this happen to the best of us. At one point, after the passenger got picked up by her parents and all that was left was the driver, her folks, the tow truck, the cops and the witness. The young driver turned to me and started to thank me for being there and for being so kind, saying things like "God bless you, how can I ever thank you..." I turned to her and asked her to pay it forward. One day when she's in her 30's and sees someone in need of help, to remember the kindness she was shown and show no prejudice. I hope she does. I didn't do it to be thanked, or to be praised, I helped them because if it were MY kids, I'd hope someone would do the same.

The way their car was mangled, they could have easily died in that crash. They would have been gone in one glance away from the road. They had a guardian angel watching out for them that night, it was not their time, otherwise it would have been a completely different night. I got back into the house around 3am. I hugged and kissed both my boys. I tried sleeping but didn't finally fall asleep till nearly 4am. All those families have to worry about now is dealing with the insurance companies. I'm glad their families were spared the grueling details that may have come with a tragic fatal outcome.

Bottom line: Hug your kids and loved ones whenever you can. DO NOT TEXT/TALK WHILE DRIVING. Do not waste one single second of your life and make each moment count.

How do you view the afterlife? How do you view life now? What are you grateful for?
What is YOUR source?

Friday, September 30, 2011

Have a little faith...

I've been very careful about our budget this last year and a half. I've been on time with bills and kept us happily afloat without too much struggle. In September, we had to take a few more days off than we expected and that seemed to put is in a bit of a bind. So, last week, when I thought we'd be struggling a bit at the end of this week to cover our bills, I figured I'd have to call for 7 day extensions and do my best to balance everything. Then today I finally put myself to task and I was quietly rewarded with more than what I thought we'd had in the bank, and I wasn't as behind as I thought. I've been more on top of the budget than I realized and it was a blessing in disguise, or in plain sight, I was just too busy with kids and house and schedules to sit and to figure it all out. On Saturday last, as soon as I worried it might be an issue, I also decided to let go, and trust that because of how hard I've been working, how diligent and consistent I've been, that I will be patient, not stress and do what needed to get done, and somehow we'd be okay.

You know what?

We are, and always have been, and always will be, as long as we have faith knowing no matter what, it is so. I choose to think this way... I choose to not let stress and outward issues put me in a negative mindset.

It was a good week, and at the end of it, I'm better off than I started. I attest this to the power of positive thinking. I've been choosing to be positive, and to look forward, not back. And I don't stress out as much. It's been really good. And even when the chips are down and I see nothing but bleak outcomes, I am choosing to shrug off what I cannot control. Things will happen as they intend to, and I don't have to let it ruin me emotionally. It's been a good week.

I will worry about tomorrow when it comes. Right now, I set myself to dream softly in the comfort of my bed and choose to live quietly.

What is your source?

Friday, September 23, 2011

When you feel the need to just let go.

Just let it go already.

Wasting my breath on people/things/situations/events that are better left in the past isn't worth it to me. What I have right here, right now is like gold, platinum, the most perfect diamond, and will be cherished like a delicate petal of the most rare kind of flower, and will never be taken for granted. I write this blog because it means something to me to share when I find value in the simple things in life. To find understanding in the most difficult situations and to grow through tragedy, heartache, love and love lost. I won't be made to feel less of a person, I won't be brought down to the levels of pettiness and ignorance. I know who I am. It's taken me a journey to get here, but here I am, and I continue forward with my head up, my eyes open and my heart free. 

I let go of others venom, hate, lies and anger, it is theirs to behold, and I am free of it because I choose to be. I do not believe in violence, but I believe in self defense. If I have wronged people, hurt people, made them feel less human, made them feel devalued, if I have done any of these things, then I am sorry that I would have done so. If it was merely the actions of others that brought it upon themselves, then I have no place there. Whatever actions I have taken against, or lack there of, I take full responsibility for. Whether I intentionally or unintentionally hurt the ones I cared about, it was never my intention. 

The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding.

In one thing I lack understanding; I cannot fathom the malicious intent to hurt, mame, kill, harm, obliterate another... until I have seen the necessity of it through the evils of this world. I am not reconciled that an eye for an eye should stand firm against those that do malicious intent to others. And if I see this as a way to live, then I too must and will live by this. For what goes around comes around, and karma, while not inherently good or evil, will certainly take it's measure of you and me. For what we fathom and create, so we receive. What we put out in the world, we will certainly obtain. So I take the words that are thrown at me and I turn the other cheek. I do not flinch. I do not waver. I stand firm. Do your worst, and should I crumble and you feel victorious, then it was meant to be.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

To do or not to do?

I'm not sure I fully subscribe to the "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you." I sit here finding myself asking the true purpose of this statement? Is it really that fulfilling? If so, then why is it so satisfying to get revenge, even in it's smallest measure? Just the thought, the knowing that someone you absolutely despise is miserable can bring a smile to your face. Is this evil? Or is it just human nature to laugh at the folly of others?

I find that I have tried to be kind, and giving, and loving to others, opened my heart and home and wallet to those in need, only to be trampled on, pissed on and lied about. I really shouldn't care about those people who believe the lies, they are worth nothing to me, so are the people telling them. But when I feel justified in my actions and behavior that old adage comes to mind. But I've DONE that, and I still get shit on. I'm not that good and noticing when people are liars and fakes. I try and trust everyone, but each time I get burned, I learn a hard lesson, I stop trusting so much.

These recent turn of events made me realize that a little revenge can be sweet, as long as it's not hurting anybody. I have to teach my children to be tough, to not take crap from people, and to trust their instincts. Something that I didn't have. I was taught to fear, to listen to authority and to do as I was told, to not question. I don't want to make the same mistakes with my kids. I'm still learning too.

But that begs the question then, is there a better philosophy to live by? I know I have come up with many but  none jump to the forefront of my mind. Simply to live simple, enjoy the small joys as well as the big ones, try not to sweat the small stuff and roll with the punches, and just put the fakers out of your mind and out of your life.

I live by the guide that people will hurt you, people will say things about you, but those people and the people who listen to them do not know you, and in the grand scheme of things do not matter to you. If they hurt you by other means (prevent you from getting a job/or cause problems with neighbors or family) get the authorities involved. Don't take matters into your own hands and keep your chin up.
Losers lose, and fakers are fake. Be true to yourself and the ones you love.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Sometimes we need desperately to find the silver lining.

This past week was a combination of a national tragedy of epic proportions, and a personal stress out that could have been an epic fail.

We start with the earthquake and tsunami in japan. I'm heartbroken and I ache for those that are grieving, I pray for those that have lost loved ones, I cry for those that are lost and gone. But the worst for me, was seeing my 3 year old watch a news segment regarding one of their Shinkansen bullet train disappearances. His little mind raced when he heard the words that the train was gone.

"OH NO!! Mama! What happened?"

What could I say? What I did say was "It's OK honey, they just lost a train but they'll find it, don't worry." Knowing all the while that they probably wouldn't. It tore me up to the point that I asked that we don't watch TV while the kids are awake. He's too young to fathom the great catastrophe of it all. And he's sensitive to loss. I searched my own heart for my silver lining in this mess, and all I could come up with was my two little boys.

My husband says that it's eminent that we too will suffer a great earthquake soon, that the earth's plates are shifting and pressure is mounting, so we need to be prepared. So I suppose being prepared is better than freaking out and worrying till it finally happens.

And I find myself looking toward a more spiritual answer to all this tragedy, and wonder if this is just the way the world is evolving. Not so much about God and us being punished, because I do not believe that is what is going on. More that the maybe the Mayans might have had a clue? Or maybe it's all coincidence. All this also makes me wonder who's going to break out the Nostradamus quatrains and see where he predicted all this.

I am praying for the people in Japan. I am praying for a world at peace, I doubt I will get those prayers answered, but I can still hope for the best. I don't want to imagine the fear, desolation, sadness and desperation these people are feeling, but my heart goes out to them. I hope they recover soon.

As for the personal stress that could have been an epic fail, apparently there was a grave miss-communication from a supervisor to my husband on Wednesday, where he was informed by phone that he was being put on "administrative leave". While we scrambled to come up with a plan B because we thought this was the end of his job, we were able to work together, keep our spirits up and our thoughts clear from negativity and defeatism. We got the call Friday that it was merely to give him a "personal day" because they were aware of him dealing with some stressful issues at work and were offering him some resources. He was also informed that the way he was informed initially was not handled appropriately. YOU THINK? I am glad we were able to stick together as a husband and wife team, but if you're trying to alleviate an employee's stress, making him think he's gonna lose his job IS NOT THE WAY TO DO IT. I'm grateful this wasn't the case and we're back to our normal routine, but we're working on backup. JUST IN CASE. You know, being prepared.

That being said, my final thought are basic. Cherish what you have and nurture it, you never know when it's going to be gone.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Old habits die hard...

I find I have this bad habit. I tend to write a lot when things are bad. When I should be taking time to sort my thoughts and emotions, I find an easy way to verbally vomit all over a page or screen and let the thoughts and opinions fall where they may. Not the best therapy but certainly cheaper. What I do that's even worse in my opinion? When things are good, I do not write at all.

Well, today, things are good.

And... I am writing about it.

It's not easy to find a source when you're frustrated, at your wits end, desperate, wanting. It's not easy to find fulfillment in something greater than you when you cannot see past your own issues and challenges. And when things are good, it is all too easily forgotten to look up to your higher power and say a simple "Thank you."

Here I am today, and things are good. Sure each day has it's own challenges and moments of "ARRRGGGHH!!" but I am in a good place emotionally. It's been a long tough road, but in the grand scheme of things, it's been a cake walk. It is tough to explain unless you've been there. Sure there are the people who have it worse than I do. But my challenges this year have been hard in my viewpoint. It's what I WENT through, what I OVERCAME, and those things are HUGE to me. It's shown me that I can truly overcome whatever life throws at me and still have my sanity.

I still find myself worrying about the future, if I'll be able to sustain my life where I am. Move up and not down. But I try not to let these little worries bog me down. I'm in a good place, and hopefully soon I'll be in a better one.

Whoever is looking out for me and mine up there, thank you. I'm grateful for your guidance. I don't know of anything better to call you, other than you are my source.

What's your source?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A little fever and some quiet time

I have my laptop set on a TV tray table, and can curl up on the couch, with a sick toddler in my lap who wants and needs to be held, pull the table close to me and blog. The sight of my infant son fast asleep on my husband's chest on the small sofa next to me and my husband is being slowly lulled into a baby induced slumber is priceless. I needed a quiet moment where I could type my thoughts, undisturbed, and this is about as good as it's gonna get. We weathered the storm of being stripped of funds by overdue back child support, but after this next paycheck, it will be paid off and done. Then we can focus on saving up for our own place. There is a sense of peace in my soul about this realization. Of course there are a couple other items that need to be financially attended to, but we can handle that on our own.

This is what is on my mind today. The premise of my own place to call home, being the only one to answer to if dishes don't get done, if laundry doesn't get washed, folded or put away or if the house does not get cleaned or tended to. I can sort my refrigerator the way that pleases me and expect it to stay that way. But, I would not have this day, nor these hopes, if it were not for the kindness of others. Having any roof over my kids heads is better than living on the street. And for that I have been truly blessed.

Living with others has it's challenges, but the benefits far outweigh them in the long run. Sometimes it's healthy to vent our petty frustrations and shout out to the universe a loud and resounding "ARRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!" but then come back to reality and breathe through our issues to create peace, harmony and compromise. Every family lives their own way, and when you place two different families together that is where the differences can cause disharmony without patience, understanding and simple communication.

One foot in front of the other, no matter how slow the pace, how gritted your teeth are from holding your tongue to keep harmony on the forefront before your own petty issues is much better than rallying against the petty differences causing you to go flying into a pit of anger, self-righteousness and judgmental bickering. 

I set it aside then for a peaceful today, a harmonious tomorrow and a hopeful bright future.

It's the best I can do.